Driving
Paddy, the famous Irishman, is driving home after downing a few at the local pub. He turns a corner and much to his horror he sees a tree in the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid it and almost too late realizes that there is yet another tree directly in his path. He swerves again and discovers that his drive home has turned into a slalom course, causing him to veer from side to side to avoid all the trees. Moments later he hears the sound of a police siren and brings his car to a stop. The officer approaches Paddy's car and asks him what on earth he was doing. Paddy tells his story of the trees in the road when the officer stops him mid sentence and says. Fer crissakes, Paddy, that's yer air freshener!
Flies
An Irishman, Englishman and Scotsman go into a pub and each order a pint of Guinness. Just as the bartender hands them over, three flies buzz down and one lands in each of the pints. The Englishman looks disgusted, pushes his pint away and demands another pint. The Scotsman picks out the fly, shrugs, and takes a long swallow. The Irishman reaches in to the glass, pinches the fly between his fingers and shakes him while yelling, Spit it out ya little so and so! Spit it out!
Irish Miracle
An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over. So, says the cop to the driver, where have ya been? Why, I've been to the pub of course, slurs the drunk. Well, says the cop, it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening. I did all right," the drunk says with a smile. Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car? Oh, thank heavens, sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I had gone deaf."
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"A referral is the greatest compliment I can receive"
LOL!! Here's another...
An Irishman lost his beloved dog of 17 years to the rigors of old age. He went to his parish priest, and said, "Father, me dear dog, Lucky, has passed awey. I was wonderin' Father, if you could be arranging a memorial service for him?"
"HMMMPH!!" said the priest. "We're Catholic, and we don't have memorial services for dogs! There's a group of Baptists down the lane, go and ask them to do it!"
"Alright, Father," said the man, "but I'm wonderin'...do ya tink $5,000 is enough to offer for the expense 'o the service?"
"Sweet mother of Jesus!" exclaimed the priest. "Why didn't ya tell me the poor creature was Catholic?"
Or- why was the Irishman sitting on the roof of the bar?
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He heard the drinks were on the house.
This one is not in very good taste:
An Irishman named O'Malley went to his doctor. The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, I've some bad news. You have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order." O'Malley was shocked, but managed to compose himself and walk into the waiting room, where his son had been waiting. "Well son, we Irish celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go well. In this case, things aren't well. I have cancer. Let's head t! o the pu b and have a few pints." After 3 or 4 pints, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more beers. They were eventually approached by some of O'Malley's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating. O'Malley told his friends they were drinking to his impending end. "I have been diagnosed with AIDS."The friends gave O'Malley their condolences, and they had a couple of more beers. After the friends left, O'Malley's son leaned over and whispered, "Dad, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS."
O'Malley replied "I do have cancer. I just want me friends to leave me wife alone after I'm gone, if you know what I mean."
A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to the priest, "Father, forgive me, for I have almost sinned...I almost had an affair with another woman."
The Priest said, "What do you mean, almost?"
The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."
"Rubbing is the same as doing," said the priest. "You are not to see that woman again. For your pennance, say five Hail Marys and put $50 in the poor box."
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then turned to leave. The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw that! You didn't put any money into the poor box!"
The Irishman replied, "Yes, Father, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same thing as putting it in!"
What is the difference between an Irish Wedding and an Irish Funeral?
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One less drunk.
Irish Beer
At a world brewing convention in the States, the CEOs of various brewing organizations retired to the bar at the end of each day's conference.
Bruce, CEO of Fosters, shouted to the Barman:"In 'Strylya, we make the best bloody beer in the world, so pour me a bloody Fosters, mate."!
Augie, CEO of Budweiser, calls out next: "In the States, we brew the finest beers of the world, and I make the King of them all, gimme a Bud."!
Hans steps up next: "In Germany ve invented das beer, ferdamt. Give me ein Becks, ist der real King of beers, danke."
Paddy, CEO of Guinness, steps forward: "Barman, would ya give me a diet coke with ice and lemon? Thanks."
The others stare at him in stunned silence, amazement written all over their faces. Eventually Bruce asks: "Are you not going to have a Guinness, Pat?"
Paddy replies "Well, if you folks aren't drinkin', then neither am I.
Real Estate Related:
Murphy was selling his house, and put the matter in an agent's hands. The
agent wrote up a sales blurb for the house that made wonderful reading.
After Murphy read it, he turned to the agent and asked, "Have I got all ye
say there?"
The agent said, "Certainly ye have...Why d'ye ask?"
Replied Murphy, "Cancel the sale...'tis too good to part with."